It’s been a mad month one way or another, what with delivering several bag loads of leaflets for the local Green party, taking the final step in weaning myself off anti-depressants and (I hope) supporting Al through the aftermath of his brother’s suicide.
So last Thursday two things happened – the General Election (the Greens didn’t do as well as I’d have hoped and another five years of the Tories makes for sad, bad and worrying times) and the funeral. As far as funerals ever are lovely…it was lovely. Very personal, with Al, his step-brother Darren and several of his friends doing readings. A didgeridoo was played, chocolate thrown into the audience and it was held together as a humanist celebration by an old family friend. Lots of pals mixed with family at a pub, sandwiches were eaten and beer and tea were drunk.
The third item on my mad month list was coming off my anti-depressants which couldn’t really have come at a much worse time. I’ve been weaning on down for several months but needed to just do the last leap of faith from half a tablet every other day…to no tablets at all. I needed a time of support and low stress levels and not to be thinking about people who suffer from depression killing themselves.
So for a while it all went tits up…and Al maybe didn’t get as much support from me as I would have liked to give… and I got to the point where I thought I’d have to cave in and reach for the tablets still calling from me from the bathroom cupboard. The trouble is I want to ‘be normal’ in time for our getting married at the end of June and it felt fraudulent for ‘me’ to marry Al if being on tablets wasn’t really ‘me’ and if without them I was a anxious sobbing mess why would Al still want to marry me?
Basically I got myself into a tizz and the stress of it was working against me. Al talked me down and reminded me that me with the tablets – happy, or me without them – happy were both me…. the one thing that isn’t me is the ‘not happy’ version.
That seemed to get me through the nadir and now I just need to learn to stay happy…. be kind to myself, do things I enjoy, walk away from things that stress me out that I can’t do anything about, sleep well and remember to eat.
And that, is where the garden comes in…as antidote to stress and death and politics I’ve turned to the garden and slowly, slowly it’s becoming ‘my’ garden. At first I was just saving what I could of the garden that belonged to the couple who lived here before Al but now with encouragement I’m making bolder changes… and by the end of June I’m pretty sure it’ll really feel like we’re getting married in ‘our’ garden.